This can be very slow. I'm not the best at changing my life. I talked about you to the man I'm in love with (or so I believe) and I'm not sure how he took it. But I know when I know and I know you (in many ol' ways). We'll see. First I must leave behind my past. This year seems to be the year. They are (all) physicists by the way. The one I live with (not legal attachment between us but worse, karmic) is working in something else. But he uses mathematics every day. And the other physicist you do know has been waiting for me to be finally free (his). And then you. I'd like to talk to you in Spanish sometimes. English is not that easy. Speaking especially. You'll see how bad I am at it. I'm responsible for my life, but I've been paralyzed by terror and shadows. It is just recently that I have begun to understand what I've been through, and it explains a lot.
I either stay in Spain from mid-June onwards until I know what to do or I'm back at some point in the summer and stay a few more months. I have no idea what's planning the physicist you do know. Please don't think of this as a novel. No novel in sight.
I have to pay for many clothes (but I'm wearing every day the same thing) I bought when I was very down and I don't have a job. I've only worked for a few months in my whole life. I'm not sure if I should go back to school or what (look for a job). My life has revolved around putting the love I felt into words. That's all I've ever tried. But the single most important thing to me now is getting to live here, staying while it lasts: present. I can't think of anything more important than this. Other needs are of sharing and understanding, needs of my heart, and resolving my situation, that lasts for years and years already.
I've heard that Notre-Dame is burning down (right now, as I talk and walk towards you). I learnt that Cambridge can be under an hour by train. Very tempting, but let's hope for Notre-Dame first. Before entering this incarceration, I once lived in Paris very near Notre-Dame.
I’ll write you something shorter soon. I really need to be in touch, thank you for letting me, but also do what you have to do to be well. I wouldn't like to be any kind of burden -even a small one- for you. Sending you my love, and words
(To Tuesday and beyond)